The garden, mother and me

page 23 Tidy is as tidy does. And mother’s trolley has a makeover. Before Christmas mother lost her shopping list, now the electricity bill has gone missing. The black hole of the trolley strikes again. “I cannot find that bill anywhere. It has to be paid, now. I am never late paying” Mother is really stressed this morning, it is a thing with her that everything has to be paid on time or early. So the trolley needs a radical sorting and that’ s what I intend to do. “The bill is probably sat on your trolley, hiding amongst the rubbish on there” “I looked there and it isn’t” (mother forgets the other times things have turned up, on the trolley) “Let’s have a sort out and put everything into baskets” (I am soooo practical) So the sorting of the trolley commenced. The amount of rubbish was unbelievable, old till receipts, empty envelopes and best of all the electricity bill. “I looked on here for that” said mother “Yes but with all the rubbish it ...

page 22 Christmas comes but once a year Thank goodness for that. Well we are all prepared for Christmas, everyone turns up (who would dare deny mother, me if I wasn’t cooking) mother was in her element holding court over the proceedings. The turkey was purchased as promised with all the trimmings. Mother and I sat and prepared the vegetables the night before, all I had to do was cook it. “I will have to go and help in the kitchen for a while” mother says to her guests “I have to keep an eye on things” (yes it’s not just my driving) “It’s all ok out here mother, no need for you to worry yourself” (in other words, go away) “Have you put the sausages in the oven, they need to go in you know” I glare at her to no effect. “They go in later, along with the stuffing, unless you want them cold” (sarcasm or what) “Ok, just don’t forget” (grrrrr) “is there anything I can do to help” mother is looking at me sweetly, ok lets get her working, “Yes, you can start la...

Page 21 It’s the week before Christmas We’re prepared in the house Mother is happy And that blasted squirrel is back on the bird feeder  I am doing mothers house hold chores today. It’s the normal procedure, I strip the bed mother takes the linen out to the washing machine, using her trolley, sets that off washing and I remake the bed. Not a bad routine really, she keeps some independence and feels useful. After the exertion of doing that I make her a cup of tea, she rests and I carry on with the other chores. There I was happily cleaning the windows and shout came from mother… “They have defeated you” “What on earth are you on about” I call back. “The squirrels, they are on the feeder, well one is, he looks really chuffed” mother is laughing her socks off, she has been waiting for this to happen. Grrrrrrr. “Did you see how it managed to get up there?” “No, but I did say you would not stop them” mother is finding this hysterical. That was...

20  Page Christmas on count down, I’m on melt down Mother has the chocolates, biscuits and cards for Christmas. Even the presents are taken care off, but unfortunately it doesn’t stop there, “Now who is coming this Christmas” (here we go ag ain) “is your daughter coming, how about her father and is her partner invited………” mother in full flow. “Wait a moment, I did say in her job they never know what they are working, she will be over around lunch time. Her father will turn up, it’s a free feed. As for her partner I haven’t a clue” at which point I stopped for breath. “Oh well I need to know so I can get the turkey” mother looked a bit sheepish. “I will go to the super market a couple of days before and buy one don’t worry” I really don’t stress over Christmas, but mother does. “Ok I will leave it to you” and that tone of voice said, if all goes wrong, it’s your fault. (The finger is metaphorically pointing) At which point I made my escape and went...

Page 19 Finders’ keepers, losers’ weepers. So put it where you can find it. The squirrels are still giving mother a lot of fun, I have regular updates on their antics, but the flower pot is holding them at bay, for the moment and the birds, they are enjoying sole ownership of the bird feeder. “When are we going Christmas shopping” (heck it’s nearly Christmas) “Have you finished the shopping lists” I smiled sweetly “Yes weeks ago, can we go today and make a start” mother looks hopeful. (This is one thing I dread every year) “Yes mother of course, sort out the lists. I will get the bags and walker ready” (oh such a dutiful daughter, NOT) “I can’t find the shopping list” declares mother.” (Oh bother) “It will be on your trolley, somewhere!” (That trolley is like a black hole, things vanish) “No I looked, It’s not here” (as a said, a black hole) “Let me look it must be here somewhere”   I start sorting out all the newspapers, “These p...

Page 18 Softly, softly to catch a monkey, Downright crafty to stop a squirrel. “Hi mother, I have thought of a way to stop the squirrels” “Oh, did you ever make me jump, why don’t you let me know when you’re here” “I did you need to sort your ears out again. Any how I am popping out to sort out the squirrel situation, see you in a bit” and of I went. Firstly I took the top part of the bird feeder off and pushed the pole through a large flower pot so it was upside down on the pole. Then I put an adjustable clamp round the pole underneath it, tightened it up so the flower pot stayed in place and put the feeder back together. “You have put a flower pot on the pole” exclaimed mother “how will that stop them” “I think and hope that they will not be able to get past it” in theory it should work, but squirrels are clever. Well I went and started the ironing and the other odd chores I do for mother when I heard a shout, “Come here quickly” “What om e...

Page 17 Fair exchange is no robbery. It also does me a favour Down the field there is quite a lot of wood accumulating, which is fine as most is smallish stuff but a lot would be ideal for an open fire, which mother hasn’t got. So I thought I would ask the neighbours, at the bottom of the field, if they would like it free, if they cut it up and moved it. “Mother I am going to ask your neighbours if they would like the larger wood from the hedge for their fire” “Who’s going to cut it up and move it” mother replied. “If they cut it up and move it, it’s free, if I do, it isn’t, sounds like a fair deal to me” “Humph, we will see” mother always the cynic. Well I carried on with my plan and asked her neighbours, if they would be interested in the wood. I did say it was hard work, but it would save money in the long run. They agreed and arranged a time to come over and see what wood there was. “Hello, any more vultures today” it’s the neighbours. I laughed...

Page 16 Birds of a feather Flock together Mother is getting bored, the weather is getting colder and the prospect of going out appals her. “It’s far too cold to go out in this weather, going shopping once a week is enough” “You will get fed up being in come out for a drive” I suggested. “No. it is too cold and I am not sitting in a car” (I might as well save my breath) “I have brought your Christmas present up with me, I thought you might like it early” “I told you to save your money” mother never wants anything, but sulks if she doesn’t get a present) “Well I shall put it together and then you can say if you want it or not. See you in a bit” and off I went. “What is it “mother is curious now. I fetched some wooden 18 inch pegs, wire, and mallet then set to work. Firstly I weighed up where mother could see it from her chair, pushed the bottom pole in the ground i put 4 wooden pegs round it and tied those round with the wire. That was the pole ...

Page 15 Oh for the sound of silence, The wind whispering in the trees, And the singing of the birds. Must get mothers hearing sorted out. The preparations for Christmas are well under way, well for mother they are. She is happily writing lists and driving me mad in the process, I tell you Christmas needs a health warning in this house. I arrived to take her shopping today, I let myself in as normal calling hello, to let her know I was there, when I walked into the lounge she jumped, “You frightened me then, why didn’t you shout to say you were here” “I did, but the television is so loud you probably didn’t hear me, mind that’s your cardiovascular exercise for the day” I laughed. “That’s not funny and the television isn’t that loud, I can only just hear it” mother is not impressed and obviously can’t hear very well. “While you finish watching your program I will sort out the things we need” (help, I need ear protection) We went round the supermarke...

Page 14 Hark the sound of Christmas calling, And mothers going deaf. Mother s legs are quite good today so we are going shopping. The normal routine check the cupboards for anything she has forgotten, make sure mother has everything purse shopping list etc., put the walker ready to get her down the steps and we are off. “Watch that car pulling out” yes mother “Mind the crossing, that lady might walk out” yes mother “Are you indicating to turn” yes mother. “I really have to keep an eye on your driving” whatever I do I cannot stop mother being a front seat driver. Round the supermarket we go, mother pushing the trolley, me fetching and carrying. One of the shop assistance stopped for a chat with mother. Afterwards mother turned to me… “What was she saying, she talks so quietly I could hardly hear her” I explained the conversation, but it got me thinking. Mother is always accusing me of saying things that I haven’t, or getting things mixed up. I had ...

Page 13 I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. (Muhammad Ali) Branches pack a punch as well. Mothers’ foot improved by the end of the week so I decided to carry on clearing out the hedge row and ditch. “I am going out to clear some more of the hedge row mother” best to let her know where I am. “Take your phone with you, I can’t always see where you are” “I do wear a bright coloured top so I can be seen mother” (I do wear a bright yellow top so if I have to call for help I can say, so and so field look for a yellow object, that’s me) “If you have your phone I can check on you” can’t argue with that. Down the field I went, I took one look at the mess in the ditch and nearly turned round.  I could not walk down the gap between the hedgerow and the stock fence, which is approximately four feet wide, because of brambles, fallen trees and branches. Oh well faint heart never won and all that, let’s get started. I hacked at the brambles with t...